~BALL. FISH. CAT

Tudia. Taim anak tu kecik dalam pampers lagi dah ngajaq dia omputeh :


"Ball..ball"
"Fish"
"Cat"
"Apple"


Ok lah tu. Melentoq buluh biaq dari miang rebungnya.


Tapi bila anak tu da besaq skit :


"Abu.. amek ball tu simpan balik"
"Ali, jangan pukoi cat tu, sian cat. Meow2"


Why....why...(jerit cam Aru Koffinkanser). Nape tak diajaq proper dan complete sentence, misalnya 'Abu, keep the ball back in its box..'


Patutlah ramai anak-anak gagal BI.


Hamid Gurkha as atuk kepada Atan :

"You take, one biji getah, enden you put fire"
(Hang amek satu bijik getah lepas tu boh api)



apa susah sangat kwn2 fb aku nk komen kat BLOG ni? tp tinggai komen kat blog feeds yg published in fb? kalu camtu bek aku bt Notes dlm fb ja drp kat blogspot ni??

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~HARI NI BESDEI BIBIP

Diam tak diam da 3 tahun umoq dia. Semakin macho. Xpenah berenggang ngan aku dari kecik sampailah aku stay spital bersalin. Sejak bawak balik Nisa, terus berubah kasih sayang aku kat Bibip. Awat leh jadi camtu tah.

Bukan kata aku da benci tapi dia seniri cam da jauh. Perhaps dia sedaq kediri dia bukan lagi tumpuan dalam umah ni.

Still, dia playful lagi walaupun banyak mainan dia da masuk stor. Anak² kecik dia baru senget2 blajaq berjalan pun dia da ajak main Sblm ni byk stray cats/kittens aku bwk masuk umah, tak sampai 15 minit semuanya dia nak ajak main.

Sampaikan sekoq kitten ni (Oren), Bibip susukan. Sanggup tak pi mana duduk layan Oren tu nyonyot nen dia sampai basah bentuk bulat.

Jangan lupa, Bibip adalah seekor kucing jantan.

Memang dia ada sipat keibuan dan suka kittens. Jgn lak kata dia pondan. Pernah skali terlepas keluaq umah, dia blh pi attack kucin otai kat flat ni. Kaki tangan aku pun dulu mangsa tokak sampai aku kena pi klinik (bengkak biru lebam cam kena patuk ulaq ok).

Bibip.. Bibip.. selapaq mana pun tak penah curi makan walaupun bekas kopok fiskis ada depan mata. Kalau semua budak kucin dlm umah ni camni sejuk ati aku. Isk.

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~NAK KAYA CEPAT? JOM MENIAGA NASIK LEMAK

Petuanya, nasik tak payah lemak2 sangat pun takpa. Asai balut ngan deun pisang tu kira harum sangat la. Kalu modai tak cukup, guna kertas coklat pun xpa. Nasik pun xpayah banyak. Sejemput ujung jari pun jadik la. Orang bukan nak makan sampai kenyang tersandaq pun.

Ikan bilis? Kira dulu wei sebelum letak jadi lauk. Jangan harini letak 3 ekoq, esok terletak 4 ekoq pulak, buleh BENGKRAP KAMPENI ooo. Kacang atau udang pun ikut konsep sama.

Cabai? Biaq merah menyala dan banyak serdak2 tapi tak rasa apapa. Guna pewarna kot. Hihi.

Teloq? Pilih gred D. Rebus dan potong 24 bahagian. Kalau boleh lagi nipis lagi bagus.

Balut tebai2 bagi nampak cam sebungkoih tu nasik banyak. 1st impression tu penting. Don't worry meniaga nasik lemak bukan pelanggan buleh 'test rasa' macam meniaga durian.

Apanya? Tak buleh kaya pun meniaga nasik lemak?? Tau takpe. Kalau da tak buleh tu, harga biaq patut2 la ngan kualiti n kuantiti makanan yg hangpa juai. Toksah la dok penaya orang ramai. Dosa tau.

Dah tu kalau kena komplen, macam2 la alasan : harga petrol naik la, garam mahal la, ikan bilis barangan terkawal la, cabai susah tumbuh kat malaysia la, beras kena import dari tibet la, ayam haiwan terancam la... Apa ke neraka ni!!!

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~NAMA ANAKKU [insert anything here]ISH

Gamaknye memang trend la kot mama2 zaman sekarang suka nak namakan anak2 depa dengan akhiran 'ish/isy/ssa'. Bukan aku nak kata tak suka tapi bila da ramai sangat, jadi jemu yang amat. Macam these 'ish/isy/ssa' babies dah tak unik lagi. Nama banyak dah nak jadi sama.

"Eh eh nama anak hang sama la cam nama anak aku. " Lalu gembira kerana dapat geng.

Kalau aku ngajaq tadika sure da pening kepala banyak dak2 kecik ber-isy sini ber-ish sana ber-ssa sinun. So what happened to names like : Sulaiman, Azlina, Nazirah, Baharom (nama kucing kawan aku hahah), Zamri.. well you get the idea.

Satu lagi nama yang terpanjang-panjang contohnya Nalisha Iziyatie Amilia Zunnur. Mak oih susahnya nanti nak isi borang. Kesian budak tu jadi mangsa kefancy-an makpak dia. Last2 nanti nama pendek jugak jadi panggilan harian : Ti / Lia.

Ok lah ni memang isu lapuk, da ramai rasanya orang komplen / notice dengan keadaan ni (remember the times when ramai mama2 pakat nak nama Daniel?)

Selain my baby KhairunISa (bukan nISYa k please!), aku pun ada gak Ish : 2 ekor puyu fish yang tahan lasak hampir dua tahun.

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~SKRIP BARU

Hari ni aku dapat belajaq dua lagi code baru : semunyikkan shoutbox kat tepi tu dan wat bar splash ada timer kat bawah bila hangpa masuk ja blog nih..

Pening woo.. Apa lagi kalu rajin tu bagi la pendapat.. Sesuai tak ngan blog haku ni.. ka menyemak saja??

Kemungkinan lepas repair2 lagi bar kat bawah tu aku nak wat sebagai tempat hangpa nak promote link dalam masa sehari.. Ok ke? hmm

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~KOREK HIDUNG DAPAT RM100

Memang gempar! Memang hype! Sekarang tak perlu login2 facebook lagi kalau nak buat duit. Hanya korek hidung dan rajin2 check inbox saja, duit masuk macam ribut. Setiap detik ada saja yang mahu berkongsi testimoni kejayaan mereka. Cubalah baca yang terpilih berikut, boleh meremang bulu pusat ooo..

Gjot Weewitt
testimonial: dulu saya sering dikejar ah long..skrg saya pula mgejar ah long krn xmbayar duit RM5 juta yg mereka pjm..terima kasih KHD RM100!!

Rahimin Idris
Dahulu saya terpaksa memasak nasik lemak malam2 buta untuk menyara anak kucing jiran saya. Kini syukurlah setelah dapat akal mengorek hidung, saya tidak perlu lagi bersusah payah. Setiap kali korek dapat RM100. Menitis air mata saya sambil tahiyat akhir di depan mesin ATM kerana melihat duit berlambak-lambak keluar dar...i mesin ATM. Saya tekan RM10, tapi keluar RM1juta. Saya sudah mendapat kebebasan kewangan. Anda bila lagi?!! *sambil mengorek dua2 lubang hidung.

Tupai Cavalera
Progress aku selepas LAPAN jam aje : lobang hidung semakin expanding diameternya.. maka lebih byk yg dapat dikorek = LEBIH BYK $ so aku sediakan spillover dan sedekah downline kepada yg daptar KHD100 under aku. Bonus taik idong randomizer & ebook boleh diunlock lepas login kat members area ok.. Bestnyeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Klangkluzt Nasteraphy
TESTIMONI: dulu jari jemari sye mnghadapi penykit Gout yg tenat, tetapi stelah mgamalkn KHD, penykit gout sya telah hilang bak pasir2 di jalan yang disapu cleaner...terima kasih KHD RM100!!!!

Nama Saya Syawal
TESTIMONIAL: pihak bank telah memberi amaran kpada saya utk tidak menyimpan wang ke dlm akaun lg krana pihak bank tidak dpt menampung kemasukan duit saya yg sgt banyak..
KHD100 the best..

Brew Gresika
Testismonial: Dulu saya bekerja sebagai despatch kedai potong di batu 14 puchong, siang malam dikerah tenaga. Bila takde duit, siapa yang nak pandang kita? jangankan gadis, anjing pon kencing kat kasut adidas uptown saya. Macam-macam cemuhan yang saya terima, baru 2 bulan tak bayar sewa bilik yang saya sewa di setingga...n kayu ara, tuan rumah dah panggil konco-konco along untuk menuntut bayaran sewa. sampai begitu hina saya diperlakukan. Tapi kini setelah saya diperkenalkan kepada KHD100, kini bukan sahaja mampu membeli rumah semi D di tropicana, tapi juga dapat menyaksikan Augusta Masters 2010. Dapat juga saya menyaksikan idola saya, Tiger Wood di depan mata. Insya Allah, saya akan cuba mempelawa beliau bersama menyertai KHD100. Anda mungkin tidak percaya, tapi apakan daya "Money are not born, they are created"

So tunggu apa lagi? Jom sertai MLK (multilevel koreking) ini hari ni jugak!! Klik sini untuk join --> KOREK HIDUNG DAPAT RM 100
P/S : Tak sesuai bagi yang tak tahu makna sarcasm..ehhehe

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~PRETENDING GAY

Warning : Long entry

A friend of mine approached me to write something pleasant/funny about being gay as long as I don't mention his name. Okay here's my stories. I'm not encouraging him but as he said, there are more kejians than efforts to accept gays/lessies as human beings. To their POVs gay isn't just about sex as a typical malaysian will thought about them. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not a big fan of gay/lesbos but just tiny reminder : we all have friends with their own personality, sometimes them being gay/lessy have no bad effect on your friendship at all. Whatever reason you may have to your own unique personality just makes you, you.

Example :

"Pempuan tu krek la. Sat² marah ngan aku, sat² baik lupa yg dia da maki aku, aku pun tak paham"

"Mangkuk ni memang suka menipu. Daripada 9 benda dia bagitau kita, semilan² tu memang muhong ja. Hang jangan dok caya"

"Gelilah depa dua tu bukan GP ke? Eww."

FYI, GP stands for Gay Peng. Or senang cakap, tomboi kapel ngan tomboi. What people can't accept is gays+lessies also normal persons everyday. Makan macam orang jugak. Minum macam orang jugak, tengok tivi, tekan duit kat ATM, berak prettt prott puss prett kalu cirit, kena tipu ngan sebab tamak ngan MLM dan Infinity Downline gak. Only typical malaysian associates gays/lessies to fullsex life.

Continue Reading...

My story : last year I was playing Habbo with a dear friend (Haboo is like square pixel fancy game where you have your own character, own room, own furnitures and shits, and interact with other players in so called Habbo world/hotel). We were enjoying introducing ourselves as Naz and Aliff the gay couple. Even had a Habbo friend (a school minor freak) gave us Quran quotes etc for us to 'taubatlah'.

What?! I mean, it's just a game. Should you get serious everytime you met a gay/peng/lessy friend? Or get religious suddenly? When you yourselves have a very eventful nightlife - clubbings, minumings, menjalangings?

Ok Habbo was last year story. Let's rewind to last 3 years when there used to be 2 of my former kilang buddies rented this house with me. I did told bit later that I like girls, in a weird way. They suddenly became alim and 'cuak' with me - no more berkemban in front of me and avoid friendly skin contacts/touchings with me. I was really enjoying LMAO alone.

I got them to respect me without having to ask for it.

Yup, they were those people who berkembans indoor infront of others. People who knows me know that i am not the kind of person who touches others a lot. Macam kalau bercakap mesti nak bertepuk tampaq sampai kaki tangan naik pastu kalau nak nampak manja mesti cubit² gatal. Pegang², sexy², I avoided it without having to ask my exhousemates to do so! :)

Lastly, last 4 years when a short relationship with a guy ended, I did announced I want the next to be with my own kind - also a girl. Found myself mengorat/mengayat another exkilang buddy name Yati, although her bf that time was my own friend, but hu keirrrrrrrrssss. Pretending to be a lesbian was really fun. Managed to get few people get suspicious with me, like

"Astaga betoi ka Tupai fras sampai jadi camtu?"

Yati claimed that her bf started to dislike me because of my gatalness towards the girl. Bwahahaharrr. One SMS event still remembered today was when I texted Yati to ask when will she be available (free time), as if nak ajak keluaq/jumpa/deting la konon padahal transport seniri pun tadak. I didn't wait for the reply because of the reason stated before : ajak² ayam je. Later when I checked my phone there were 1 misscall and a replied SMS:

'TAK FREE. BILA2 PUN TAK FREE'

Oh my. How come this Yati who played along (deep down I know she knew i was just pretending) suddenly got garang?

Later again Yati texted me to tell what happened : It was her bf (my friend) who called back - in anger, i assumed - but because i didn't answer so he replied my SMS. Haha. That's how I managed to tick my friend off! Maybe dia dah lama sabaq kot aku dok ayat marka dia. Lalala. Pretend la beb, pretend.

Really had fun menggatal like that. New things to discover if we put ourselves in other personality than your own boring one. Aku tak suruh la pulak lepas ni hangpa kena pi merompak or membunuh just to FEEL what a perompak/pembunuh feels like.

Know plenty of men out there did pretend to be 'lembut' at least once. Like teasing other kontrol-maskulin friend with bapok voice/tangan/touchings, resulting your victim blushed and mengelak geli like a girl. Haha. Comments below.

I'll continue with another pretend experience in next entry.

p/s sorry for my friend that i ayat his yati back then, if you read these la kan. Wei aku really main² ja lah dulu. Jangan maraaa haa

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~USYAR MAU RAPAT

Tak faham satu ni awat orang yang lepak kedai or warung makan ada tabiat cam kanibal. I'm talking about staring people like you suddenly wanna jump on and eat them without esok bagimu anymore. The moment hang parking moto/keta je depan meja depa , satu meja kalih usyar hang jalan as if hang ni artis glamour tak pun member yang depa tunggu-tunggu.


Yang plek tu, slalu orang mlayu+indo la yang camni. Kalau buleh usyar tu, macam la kenai sesangat umpama wajah kesayangan hamba. Siap kalau yang tak nampak hang punya arrival mesti nak kena kalih kepala 180 degrees nak pastikan hang ni somebody yang depa kenai? Or just memang for no obvious reason. Kalau pi kedai cina ka kedai mamak takdak la pulak camni, kecuali yang melepak makan orang melayu dan pekerja mamaks yang muda2 themselves. Yes these workers yang paling bloody annoying in my list. Sambil tangan bz canai roti mata tu buleh dok usyaaaaa sampai nak julin bijik mata kalu hang terunfortunate parking depan stall depa. Awat mamak, muka aku ka keluaq dlm mimpi hang semalam?


This makes you nak jalan cari meja pun kena kontrol, takut tersadung kaki jatuh tertomoih wat malu ja. Even sometimes hang nak je jerit kat depa-depa ni :


"Awat kita ada kenai kot?????"

"Kita janji nak jumpa ka???"

"Ada utang?????"

"Bijik mata tu nak mintak tolong garu ngan garpu ka?????"

"Aku ni gadiz idaman hang kaaaa yang hang nanti2kan slama ini?????"

Typical 'feedback' to these are :
"Biaq p lah, ada mata tengok la"

"Buat de' cukup"


Kamon, be creative la skit oih. Aku tau setengah dari hangpa tak heran pun kalau ditenung, tak dak perasaan atau jugak perasan lawa. Tak lain tak bukan hangpa pun tergolong dalam kategori suka staring at people without realising it. Habit dari kecik kot sebab makpak tak penah tegoq.


Since I hate these kind of people, aku sendiri ngan Pakdin ignore others yang baru sampai kedai waktu kami tengah makan. No reason nak kena 'usyar kot kot kenai' or just suka suki nak usyar tanpa sedaq. Biaq pi, kalau member kenal kami, dia seniri akan mai meja kami tegoq. Tak mai tegoq pun xpa, tak rugi apa. Kalau makan ngan kawan2 slalunya aku sorang yang buat bangang xnak kalih kalu ada member yang suddenly "wei hangpa tengok pompuan/laki meja kat tepi kaunter tu". Huuuuu qerrrrrssssssssssss?!


Lesson for uollls today :

STARING IS BIADAP.

Makan budakkkkkkk

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"

And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there is no cannibals in Africa."

And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."

And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday."

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